The addiction

Sometimes, and idea (even the smallest of ideas) can catch itself within your mind. If that little sprout of an idea is most determine to stick, and if it tries awfully hard, it can burrow down and latch onto a concrete part of your brain. Possibly, (for the most intrusive of ideas) it latches onto the very essence of you, the very core. And their it starts to feed on your hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities. Whatever. It feeds on whatever it can. Into these private and personal thoughts it sends its roots, intertwining with the most ancient and permanent of your thoughts. Thus better ensuring its survival. At this point your mind has realized the idea is not merely a passing thought. Your mind begins to examine the idea. And it is at this point you can not for the life of you stop thinking on the forementioned idea. Every swelling of the breeze brings your mind back to it's new obsession. You are trapt in a dilemma; should you rebel against this new thought or shall you embrace it and cultivate it more. If decidedly the new, and now rather infectious, idea is bad, immoral, slanderous, unpleasent, or whatever it may be, then you may decide to try to starve it away. Shut down all parts of the brain that it has attached itself to until it is too weak to survive at all and melts away altogether. However, most find this easier said than done. Because such an idea will not go quietly. Once an idea has its roots it becomes an addiction. Pure and simple. Possibly for good, most often it just traps and ensnares your mind, until in desperation, you surrender to it.

Winter Morning

The best part of a winter morning is standing at the window and looking out at the frozen world. Standing close enough to the glass that the chill seeps through the panes and it rests like a film on your skin. Just enough chill to appritiate the warmth of walls, and the fireplace, and the warm tea in your hands.

When the sun has come up enough to burn yellow on the snow, and maybe melt the first thin layer of snow at the top so that it gleams. The icicles hang like glass: sturdy, strong, and beautiful. The old swingset with the red wood stands out in contrast to the white earth and the dullish bark of the trees. This moment is a glimpse.

When a single bird seems to remain, though the rest have gone, but he does not sing. He sits in the empty trees, jumping from on barren branch to another. Seemingly without purpose or care, yet contented. Then disrupted into flight by a squirrel whose own bushy tail swells with the breeze as he scampers down the limbs of the tree. and through the tree the silohette of a cat is visible. She watches the squirrel for a moment, though she makes no attempt to capture him and callously lowers her head. Slinking around the corner of a grey brick wall and dissapearing from view.

Now blades of grass peak out of the snow. Only a few are visible, yet more appear as the sun continues showering its relentless rays on the grass. Icicles start to melt and drop just outside the window. Their landing in the snow below is barely audible. But it signals the end. The end of a moment. The end of an experience.

Eden Park and the Dangerous Journey

the right side of the street

the great wall

when the sky goes green

(s)tumble down

this is where we live

bridge over frozen water

no sky = no limit

This beautiful young woman told me that she was addicted to how other people saw her. This was after hours of me trying to point out that formspring was a stupid waste of time. This girl was being harassed by an anonymous classmate. This girl is a wonderful person, a baby christian, just learning about the life she could have in Christ. Yet she broke my heart, and God's heart I'm sure, when she refused to give up the so called "constructive criticism" she received from formspring. I'd looked at the comments before and they were vicious. This girl had every reason to delete them and forget the nasty and untrue words. Yet, she clung tight to them and refused to let herself be free. This made me think of all the things we cling to, for instance I have a friend or two that cling to a boy. I myself, because I'm so 'mature' and 'above dating' just cling to the idea of my ideal man. Yes, I cling to the idea of an ideal person. That's radiculous. Others cling to a sport of a hobby, and it becomes their whole life. Sometimes I cling to myself, because I'm so afraid everything else will let me down.
What we dont realize is that those things that we cling to, they have grabbed ahold of us. Now we exist as slaves to them. Not only slaves, but voluntary slaves. When we could simply let go and be free, we hold on with all are might so that we may live another day to serve the masters we created for ourselves. We are trapt. And there is something we can do about it. The girl,who I love love love, and that is mentioned above; I want her to be free so badly. I know that I myself am trapt. And that I am terrified to let go. I don't want that for her. I don't want that for me, or you, either. But especially not for her. She should be free. We all should.

No End in Sight

Im pretty sure that their isn’t one thing in the world that won't eventually kill you. Either you eat a ‘love it’ sized ice cream at cold stone creamery every night and become obese and slowly kill yourself through diabetes or you add a few too many sprinkles of salt to your entrée and end up with heart disease. Maybe you choose a more obvious route like weed, everyone’s heard from health class that smoking pot has unfortunate health related consequences. You could eat perfectly healthy and run outside everyday… too bad you forgot sunscreen and eventually die of skin cancer. Or maybe you remembered it and just get hit by a bus… and even if you do always look both ways and never run on the wrong side of the road you will eventually become and old person and you will eventually die. Everyone dies. So in order to seek fulfillment you should probably not look to the world for the answer to life. Because in the world there are so many things that seem to be the root of evil and the root of death. The world is essentially sin. We must look out of this world to find something more to cling too, something pure and wonderful. If you have never felt God you probably have never looked deep enough into a sunset, or walked slowly enough through a large field, you’ve probably thought too long or not enough about how you got here. Because the answer is simple and reassuring. Let yourself be fulfilled by it. God gave us the earth and we ruined it (read Genesis). He didn’t turn away though, he forgives us still and has a home prepared for everyone in heaven. Im already trying to imagine mine. Look into the world for clues as to know that God is out there. Look at the sun that rises and sets. Look at the way water reflects images, shapes and colors, but adds sparkle and light of its own to everything. Breath many different kinds of air. Never overuse anything. Don’t underuse yourself. Accept genuine smiles. Experience silence and appritiate it. Don’t be afraid of the dark and unexpected and be confidant that you have a guide. Feel life, and don’t speak too much because words quickly kill the beauty. We all die, but we have life left now to live, and a home prepared for us in the future. So live, and love God, and wait patiently as we have been told to do. Its not all for nothing… and we have everything to live for.

And as I look into your eyes, I've finally made it home

who knows the true genuineness behind these words. who knows if i have a chance. who knows why i risk my heart. and why i enjoy, and i hate, the ache of it all. who cares if this makes you uncomfortable. who cares if this makes me weak. this is true and real. this is how i feel at the time im feeling it.

AP 2D Concentration

Stupid AP 2d Concentration. I dont know what to do. I want to pick something amazing. I want to reflect myself in this concentration. I may never have this chance again. I mean how often does someone get lucky enough for someone to basically hand you a million different art supplies and tell you to make whatever you want. That just doesnt happen. Im so lucky. I dont want to waste this. What do I do?